Doctor In Distress

 In March 1985 Doctor Who was paused. As the previous post makes clear this was initially intended as a cancellation but because the BBC has never been the most robust decision maker and also due to a tabloid led outcry (partly orchestrated secretly by the series' production office) the halt became a hiatus. Doctor Who would be back, said Bill Cotton, the King of the BBC, but not for eighteen months. We may smile now that this gap caused such consternation; in 2025 two years is the average gap between seasons of many major fantasy shows. In 1985 however, at least as far as fans were concerned, it was simply too long to wait and they wanted to do something about it.

Thus a plan was hatched to make a high profile song to highlight an issue which, as far the wider public was concerned, had already been sorted. The people to whom this task fell were Ian Levine and Fiachra Tench. Levine had a track record as a DJ and producer of HI NRG records that were popular in clubs and were also starting to infiltrate the charts.  As the name suggests HI NRG music is supposed to be powerful, up tempo and pulsing with intense vocals. Ian Levine’s own superb production of the song `High Energy` by Evelyn Thomas the previous year is a textbox example of the musical genre. `Doctor In Distress` is not.

As a high profile fan who at the time, unbeknownst to many, was also an unofficial advisor to the series, this opportunity to combine his two enthusiasms was too much for Ian Levine to resist. However the two did not mix. The song plods when it should gallop, the lyrics as we’ll discover shortly are embarrassing and the whole thing sounds like the microphones were half a mile away from the performers. That this makes the lyrics often hard to understand is probably a blessing.  Yet could anyone really pen a decent song about a tv series being delayed? It’s a topic that would challenge even Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen. Perhaps releasing the futility of what they had made,  the record evolved into a charity venture though it seems not enough money was made for a donation due to exceedingly low sales.

The previous year, the idea of a charity single with each line sung by a famous person had got off to a powerful start with Band Aid in which the superstars of the day put aside their egos and rivalries to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia. Levine and co promised a similarly stellar line up but perhaps the people they got reflected the (lack of) importance of this particular cause.  Or maybe George Michael and Bono were washing their hair. We had two of Buck’s Fizz, members of the Moody Blues, Ultravox and Time UK, more or less everyone Levine produced and dragooned into the studio some of the series' stars. Its rumoured that Hans Zimmer , nowadays creator of vivid film soundtracks, was involved in the record to some extent. To be fair Levine himself did later describe the record as “an absolute balls-up fiasco. It was pathetic and bad and stupid. It tried to tell the Doctor Who history in an awful high-energy song. It almost ruined me.”  Yet you do think - couldn’t he tell this before it was released?! 

They decided to call this song `Doctor in Distress`, while the collective moniker they selected for the venture more or less sums up the wider public reaction; Who Cares? No really, that’s the name they chose. The song begins with the TARDIS dematerialising before a beat mixed so murkily that it sounds a little bit like someone locked in a cupboard trying to attract attention kicks in. Next a blast of cheesy horns while the assembled throng yell in the background “Eighteen months is too long to wait - Bring back the Doctor, don't hesitate".  

To assess the merits or otherwise of `Doctor in Distress` requires forensic examination of the lyrics. Google did offer them in Spanish but they sound far too sensible. Essentially it tells the story of Doctor Who in three verses, with different people getting a line or two each opening with it being "a cold wet night in November", describing "an old man" taking two teachers into time and space which starts off a legend "that no other could replace". Its a bit awkward but I have to say lyrically this is the only half decent verse. The chorus of course goes "Doctor in distress, Let's all answer his SOS, Doctor in Distress, Bring him back now, we won't take less." In the end they had to because it was eighteen months. Anyway, lets plod on...

The next singer sounds very, very angry and seems to be yelling “Who's that Doctor over there?” She’s probably just seen Colin Baker but I think its supposed to mean she's pointing at a monster because the second verse is about them. However due to lack of copyright clearance these creatures cannot be named hence we have Colin describing "evil metal creatures, who tried to exterminate” in a deadpan voice before deciding to do a Dalek impression with “Exterminate”. The next line “Inside each of their casings, was a bubbling lump of hate” is gifted to Nicola who on the video looks mightily embarrassed.  Its back to the singers for the rest of this verse, some bloke we don’t know and then Faith Brown who sings of the Ice Warriors as if they were full of soul as she trills about "warriors of the ice, who stood over seven feet tall”. Of course, they weren’t over seven feet tall really, Faith.

There’s another blast of that irresistible chorus before we reach a middle eight that declares we’ll be in a mess if he stops his travels or according to other translations it’s him who’ll be in the mess if we stop his travels. So anyway if his travels stop there’ll be some sort of mess. Though if, as suggested, it’s the nightmarish monsters who’ll be fighting the war, won’t the rest of us just shrug and get on with our lives? It’s clearly too much for one woman who wails “No no no no nooooo!!”. At this stage, we can only sympathise with her. She probs only popped in for a Hob Nob.

There’s a third verse that witters on for a bit with singers whose identity is a mystery; they may just have been people passing but they tell us “We learned to accept six Doctors, with companions at their side, when they were faced with danger, they didn't run, they didn't hide”. Because the companions never run and hide, do they? If you’re still awake by this juncture you have reached the supreme moment of wonder / terror which is the bit that Nick Courtney and Anthony Ainley do. On the video Ainley is grinning like someone who’s had to consume eight bottles of whiskey just to be there.  After Nick, in his best Rex Harrison, tells us “There was a Brigadier and a Master”, Ainley laughs like a drain before uttering the words “And a canine computer”.  Finally we have another singer we don’t know declaring  “Each screaming girl just hoped, that a Yeti wouldn't shoot her."  

There is only a repeat to fade of the chorus after this. If you really must, there is a six minute version of the song . Dreams of a top ten entry – or for that matter a chart entry of any kind- were foiled when the BBC and most other radio stations refused to play the song, allegedly because the lyrics could not be heard properly. I suppose had the Beeb played it there would have been a tabloid palaver and the Department of Apology would be required once again.

However well meaning and of the moment `Doctor in Distress` was, it remains a much- mocked segment of Doctor Who history if not it’s absolute nadir. Worse still, it had no bearing at all on the future or otherwise of Doctor Who so was wholly unnecessary. You can guarantee that if you asked anyone on it about the whole thing they’d deny they were there at all...